One day I’ll write about this. About everything I have gone through…the good, the bad, the painful, the obvious and the hidden. Not yet, but one day.
But one thing I had to write about today is how utterly stupid I have been about something recently. Yes, I have to share.
You see, I have been on a bit of a quest lately. Call it what you will…the dark knight of the soul, a spiritual journey, even a nervous breakdown, whatever….the naming of it doesn’t make any difference. And last Thursday I broke. Which was interesting because I thought I had done this already; but moving on with my story.
I was standing by the copier at work making what seemed like a million copies of something when the rhythmic sound of the copier invaded my head. Boom! All of the sudden a horrible chant started in my mind. What it was exactly really doesn’t matter, just know that it was awful and I felt myself breaking. Leaving work in a hurry I raced around not sure where to go or what to do, but I went to see a friend and this friend told me to give up in a way and let others carry me for a little bit. God, my friends, my family…just trust and have faith. Something I have been struggling with for some time now.
He didn’t say- “hang on tight and keep struggling.” No – “you can do it” or “buck up and be strong”, but instead, “Let go, have faith and let go.” Despite my inner protest, I did. I just let myself break down.
So, back to the house I go. Have you ever tried to carry off dinner when you have broken in million pieces? It’s a little tough to say the least! My poor husband was rather shocked at my state, but he stayed there, quietly assuring me it would be okay while I disintegrated. Then I went to visit two of my closest friends and they held tight to the rescue rope while I still flailed and floundered in deep water.
Since Thursday I have felt better…stronger…and just a little less afraid.
Then last night I got a text from another friend. Pretty much every Saturday, like clockwork, I get a text asking me how I’m doing or how was my week, etc. Another boom! A moment of clarity dawned on me and nearly took my breath away.
I have been waiting for a bolt of lighting.
Searching the night sky desperately for a loud, bright, flash to tell me something. And being upset because I haven’t seen it. I have demanded it come and knock me flat! But nothing comes.
Suddenly I looked around and noticed hundreds and hundreds of lightening bugs. Soft, silent little creatures who have been there all along. Yet, I have been so busy looking for some profound indication I didn’t notice how well they have been lighting the way for me.
Maybe, just maybe – I didn’t break down on Thursday.
Maybe, I broke through.